Three weeks ago I started this thing called DietBet. I mentioned this briefly in my last post, but this is an online program where people go on and bet a certain amount of money that they can lose 4% of their body weight in 4 weeks. There is essentially a number of different ways that these DietBet owners verify that your weight is correct and by the end you can either have one winner or multiple winners in which you would split the money between them.
A week before my particular DietBet began, I thought losing 4% (8.2 pounds) in 4 weeks would be a piece of cake. That's 2 pounds a week. On the DietBet website you can post your weight throughout the 4 weeks. Although you can't see other contenders' actual weight, you can see how much they've lost and how much more they have to lose to reach their goal. By the middle of week one, over half of the contenders had lost 1/4 of their goal weight. Me? I gained a pound. Now I am at the beginning of week 3 and people have hit their goal and still losing and I am still sitting at the same weight that I started! How is this possible? The bad news is I have 2 weeks to lose my 4% and the last week is Thanksgiving and we all know how that goes...
Saturday morning I woke up and weighed myself. I have consistently been running/walking and now running more than walking and I thought I was surely going to start losing some weight. The scale told me otherwise. I set out on my run afterward feeling very discouraged thinking this is a perfect example of why people quit trying to lose weight when it is so hard to lose it in the first place.
After spending some time on the porch after my run/walk thinking, I came to this conclusion: I'm putting to much emphasis on the number on a scale. Losing weight is a priority for me, but creating a healthy routine that I'm going to stick to is more important. Weight loss will come eventually. I ran into an old friend from high school that has been running for a little over a year now. She told me that when she first started she couldn't run one block. She just finished her first full marathon two weeks ago. SHE has become my new motivation. Not this DietBet game. Not the money. I don't want to feel bad about myself because I couldn't lose the weight. And that was the direction I was heading each time I stepped on the scale. Feeling like I'm letting myself down time after time. Forgetting about the previous night and what I had accomplished by running 9 blocks instead of 7. Those are the things I should be focusing on and celebrating.
My friend from high school was very kind in her words of encouragement and really made me feel like my goal is attainable. She said to me, "Just wait, eventually this whole exercise thing will become addicting. And not a bad addiction...the kind that when you wake up every day you can't wait to make yourself even better than the day before. It's addicting and it'll rub off on others. Just wait."
Monday, November 18, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Apparently...
Apparently....
...when you post a picture on Facebook that says, "Monday is Whore" only a few of your awesome friends get it and laugh and A LOT of your not so awesome friends don't.
...God made fruit flies for the sole purpose of unleashing fruit fly hell on to your house and it will only take the strong willed to kill them all. Which leads me to my next point...
Apparently...
...I'm losing the war to killing the fruit flies...
Apparently...
...losing 4% of my body weight is harder than I thought. Gaining 4% however, is a piece of cake.
...losing 4% of body weight in a week and a half IS a piece of cake for my 42 contenders in the DietBet challenge that I paid $15 whole dollars to be in. How can a person lose that much weight in a week? I'm baffled...Let me know your secret girl.
...it's not possible to lose that much weight in week...they are just trying to sike me out.
Apparently...
...it's working.
...I need to not worry so much about the numbers on a scale and more about the fact that I can actually run longer than 30 seconds.
..."shuffling" is considered "running" in my book.
Apparently...
...according to Parker it's become opposite day every day at my house.
...I went home for lunch today and realized I'm still losing the battle to the fruit flies. They, along with roaches with survive the apocalypse.
Don't worry folks, next time we'll have a more meaningful blog. These are things I just had to get off my chest!
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Non-Scale Victory
Today was "the day". I woke up this morning fully anticipating my doctor's appointment. As you know, I was not looking forward to it at all. Not because of the actual exam but because I knew what the number on the weight scale would read and that it was going to be followed by a lecture from my doctor. Well to my surprise horror, I quickly found out after stepping up on to their high tech scale, that my "low-tech", cheap scale from Wal-Mart was not jiving with what the doctor's office scale was reading. MY scale at home led me to believe that I was down 3 pounds from what I weighed a week ago. So I felt pretty good this morning going in for my appointment. Uh, no. Wrong. Although I would like mention that I was fully clothed with boots on when I weighed myself at the doctor's office. This HAS to be the difference in numbers right? Surely my boots alone weigh 3 pounds.
So there I was, sitting on the table with my "sheet" covering less than half of my body, sweating because I was so nervous! I'm a clever person when I want to be so while I was waiting on the table feeling drafty I came up with a solution. I was not going to wait for him to bring it up. I was going to bring it up first and just clear the air right off the bat. At this point I had been poked by 3 needles and asked a series of ridiculous questions like, "Do you wear your seat belt all of the time?" Uhhh....sure. So I was ready to attack. Clothes or no clothes I was going to put this conversation in MY control!
Finally he walked in the exam room. I was ready to make my move. But before I could even fake smile and say hi he walked over to me, patted me on the back, and told me how proud he was of me. Wait, uh, doc? I'm confused. Wait. No. This is my time. Uh proud? Proud of what? I think he saw the confused look on my face and said, "Did you not see what your blood pressure read today?" Well I guess I hadn't. His clever nurse was asking me all of those dumb questions while the BP wrap was Incredible Hulk squeezing my arm and I guess I just didn't notice the beep. Apparently my BP was 124/80. That's the lowest it's been in 4 years. He finally sat down and said, Ashley I realize you're not happy with numbers on the scale. But you're eating healthier, you're exercising and you're getting healthier. This blood pressure reading is a non-scale victory for you and that should mean more to you than a number on a scale.
Dang-it doc, ya got me.
After all of the self torment and mental anguish I put myself through this past week I came out the doctor's office feeling pretty good. He did mention that he's going to check my cholesterol and blood sugar just to make sure those things are okay, but other than that I lived through it to see another day. So in the end, I guess my doctor is right. It's not always the numbers on the scale that matters. Though yes, they need go down but the fact that I'm at least trying to make myself a better person and the fact that I have conquered one thing (high blood pressure) it is the non-scale victories that keep a person going.
So there I was, sitting on the table with my "sheet" covering less than half of my body, sweating because I was so nervous! I'm a clever person when I want to be so while I was waiting on the table feeling drafty I came up with a solution. I was not going to wait for him to bring it up. I was going to bring it up first and just clear the air right off the bat. At this point I had been poked by 3 needles and asked a series of ridiculous questions like, "Do you wear your seat belt all of the time?" Uhhh....sure. So I was ready to attack. Clothes or no clothes I was going to put this conversation in MY control!
Finally he walked in the exam room. I was ready to make my move. But before I could even fake smile and say hi he walked over to me, patted me on the back, and told me how proud he was of me. Wait, uh, doc? I'm confused. Wait. No. This is my time. Uh proud? Proud of what? I think he saw the confused look on my face and said, "Did you not see what your blood pressure read today?" Well I guess I hadn't. His clever nurse was asking me all of those dumb questions while the BP wrap was Incredible Hulk squeezing my arm and I guess I just didn't notice the beep. Apparently my BP was 124/80. That's the lowest it's been in 4 years. He finally sat down and said, Ashley I realize you're not happy with numbers on the scale. But you're eating healthier, you're exercising and you're getting healthier. This blood pressure reading is a non-scale victory for you and that should mean more to you than a number on a scale.
Dang-it doc, ya got me.
After all of the self torment and mental anguish I put myself through this past week I came out the doctor's office feeling pretty good. He did mention that he's going to check my cholesterol and blood sugar just to make sure those things are okay, but other than that I lived through it to see another day. So in the end, I guess my doctor is right. It's not always the numbers on the scale that matters. Though yes, they need go down but the fact that I'm at least trying to make myself a better person and the fact that I have conquered one thing (high blood pressure) it is the non-scale victories that keep a person going.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Hard Realities...
I love this time of the year. The time when the temperature drops, the leaves change colors, and the over-all mood of everyone seems to change because the holidays are just around the corner. I love this time of the year, except for one thing...the "yearly" check-up is upon me. You know what I'm talking about...that dreadful thing that every woman has to endure once a year. The one, of many, things that women have to experience that men do not. That one thing that women have to say goodbye to privacy and hello to putting it all out there on the table...literally.
Now, let me make one thing clear here. I have been pregnant and now have a child. All things having to do with other people seeing your lady parts in the most unflattering way possible have all but ceased to bother me. I'm no longer ashamed to go through the said exam, but what I am dreading is the "talk" I'm going to get from my doctor about my weight. As if I don't see myself in the mirror every day. As if I don't know that my clothes don't fit me anymore. As if I don't loathe the fact that I am fully aware of my weight but cannot seem to make myself do anything about it. My doctor will still have the "talk". I'm sure he hates to have that talk as well but I literally hung up the phone after scheduling the appointment with my palms sweaty and my heart beating faster than usual with just the anticipation of the "talk". If you've ever been in trouble at school and was sent to the Principal's office and the walk down the hall seemed like you were walking to your death and you couldn't breathe right and you were shaky...that's how I feel. I hung up the phone and immediately thought of a story I could give him to lessen the "talk". What could I do to lose 20 pounds in less than week so he'll think I've done SOMETHING rather than just continue to get fat from a year ago. But I know there's nothing I can do in a week that will change the numbers enough on the scale. And this is why I'm dreading it. I will probably lose sleep over this as I am the type to over-think, over-analyze, and over-dramatize everything. And poor Wendell. He will be the one to endure it. That great man of mine. I should probably send him a warning...the storm that is Ashley, is coming. Take cover Wendell. Put up your barriers. My "poor me" attitude will be in full force at 5:00 PM. Why 5:00 you ask? Because I have to hold myself together at work until then.
I know in reality this is not that big of a deal. It just sucks when someone else puts the truth in your face. The truth is hard to hear. Which brings me to the next part of my news...
I'm going to talk to my doctor about the steps that need to be taken in the future to getting pregnant again. We've talked about it before but it was never a serious conversation because we were just not ready yet to have another baby. To everyone who views my relationship with Wendell as wrong or unorthodox because we're not married, well that's fine. The fact that we are a strong and loving couple who raises our child together with that same strength and love, seems pretty normal to me. Marriage is not something we have taken off the list of the things that we want, but we also acknowledge that the only difference between us and you is a piece of paper. It's going to happen folks, don't worry. In the mean time, my baby making clock is ticking and I think I have every right to want and plan for another one. The things I will be discussing with my doctor is: Is this possible? The health complications with my first born were scary. And because there are still no real causes known of preeclampsia, the unknown is even scarier. I clearly would need to get my weight down pretty significantly before even considering pregnancy. I'll also ask him to recommend a specialist. It's a given that I will need to see a specialist from the very beginning. My fear is that this specialist would recommend we not get pregnant as the risks may be too high. Everyone has always said that the risks of me experiencing the same thing and maybe being worse are too high. I feel like with the doctors watching me constantly now, that I wouldn't be the risk. I gave birth to Parker 8 weeks early. What if I had to deliver this next one even earlier? I'm not sure that I am willing to take that risk at all. You see these moms who pop out a kid every year and never once have a single problem. Moms that don't even want kids and don't take care of the ones they already have, never experience one issue. And then there's this. I'm feeling sorry for myself again and should be thankful that I was even able to have one child. Which I thank God every day for Parker. Sometimes it's just a hard reality to swallow...
Now, let me make one thing clear here. I have been pregnant and now have a child. All things having to do with other people seeing your lady parts in the most unflattering way possible have all but ceased to bother me. I'm no longer ashamed to go through the said exam, but what I am dreading is the "talk" I'm going to get from my doctor about my weight. As if I don't see myself in the mirror every day. As if I don't know that my clothes don't fit me anymore. As if I don't loathe the fact that I am fully aware of my weight but cannot seem to make myself do anything about it. My doctor will still have the "talk". I'm sure he hates to have that talk as well but I literally hung up the phone after scheduling the appointment with my palms sweaty and my heart beating faster than usual with just the anticipation of the "talk". If you've ever been in trouble at school and was sent to the Principal's office and the walk down the hall seemed like you were walking to your death and you couldn't breathe right and you were shaky...that's how I feel. I hung up the phone and immediately thought of a story I could give him to lessen the "talk". What could I do to lose 20 pounds in less than week so he'll think I've done SOMETHING rather than just continue to get fat from a year ago. But I know there's nothing I can do in a week that will change the numbers enough on the scale. And this is why I'm dreading it. I will probably lose sleep over this as I am the type to over-think, over-analyze, and over-dramatize everything. And poor Wendell. He will be the one to endure it. That great man of mine. I should probably send him a warning...the storm that is Ashley, is coming. Take cover Wendell. Put up your barriers. My "poor me" attitude will be in full force at 5:00 PM. Why 5:00 you ask? Because I have to hold myself together at work until then.
I know in reality this is not that big of a deal. It just sucks when someone else puts the truth in your face. The truth is hard to hear. Which brings me to the next part of my news...
I'm going to talk to my doctor about the steps that need to be taken in the future to getting pregnant again. We've talked about it before but it was never a serious conversation because we were just not ready yet to have another baby. To everyone who views my relationship with Wendell as wrong or unorthodox because we're not married, well that's fine. The fact that we are a strong and loving couple who raises our child together with that same strength and love, seems pretty normal to me. Marriage is not something we have taken off the list of the things that we want, but we also acknowledge that the only difference between us and you is a piece of paper. It's going to happen folks, don't worry. In the mean time, my baby making clock is ticking and I think I have every right to want and plan for another one. The things I will be discussing with my doctor is: Is this possible? The health complications with my first born were scary. And because there are still no real causes known of preeclampsia, the unknown is even scarier. I clearly would need to get my weight down pretty significantly before even considering pregnancy. I'll also ask him to recommend a specialist. It's a given that I will need to see a specialist from the very beginning. My fear is that this specialist would recommend we not get pregnant as the risks may be too high. Everyone has always said that the risks of me experiencing the same thing and maybe being worse are too high. I feel like with the doctors watching me constantly now, that I wouldn't be the risk. I gave birth to Parker 8 weeks early. What if I had to deliver this next one even earlier? I'm not sure that I am willing to take that risk at all. You see these moms who pop out a kid every year and never once have a single problem. Moms that don't even want kids and don't take care of the ones they already have, never experience one issue. And then there's this. I'm feeling sorry for myself again and should be thankful that I was even able to have one child. Which I thank God every day for Parker. Sometimes it's just a hard reality to swallow...
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
The Simple Things in Life
A few weeks ago I turned 29 years old. I can remember turning 10 years old like it was yesterday because I had just entered my "teens" and now without even realizing it, I am in my last year of my twenties. Where does time go?? I will be 30 next year and I still feel the same amount of pressure to figure out where I'm going in this world as I did on the first day of college. The only difference now is I have a 4 year old son (well, almost 4) that I feel even more pressure to make sure I am guiding him in the right direction rather than where I'm guiding myself. And maybe that's where I have fallen short.
I know what everyone is thinking...not that anyone reads these blogs...but if they did, they're thinking, "Great, another blog post of her saying 'This time is different. This time I really am going to lose the weight.' "
Well dang-it, yes it is another one of those posts! And I'm going to keep creating these posts until the weight actually DOES come off. Because this blog is all I have to keep me accountable without pissing me off by someone yelling at me to do it. I can write my thoughts and ideas down and hit publish and that's that. If you know me at all you know I have never responded well to other people telling me I need to do something. For some reason my mind goes in the opposite direction and I will absolutely not do it until I feel good and ready to do it because it wasn't your idea it was mine. Yes, that's the spoiled brat in me. But hey, at least I'm big enough to admit it. And as I said before, I'm almost 30. So the likelihood of me ever changing is becoming slimmer and slimmer and is probably only going to get worse the older I get. Yes, I will be THAT old woman.
Here's the thing...I'm tired of not being able to do the simple things in life. For example, sitting on the floor. This involves all kinds of sitting, like sitting criss-cross apple sauce. Yes I know, I'm not 5 and what normal adult wants to sit like that anyway. But I do. I want to be able to sit in a chair and cross my legs. Instead, I sit in the chair with my legs apart because that's the only option I have. Like I said...the simple things. To my horror I found out this past December that my butt no longer fits as easily in stadium chairs as it used to. I went to a Thunder basketball game and sat there the entire time with the arm rests digging in to my hips and wishing that either the game would be over or someone would just put me out of my misery. I'm dreading the day I ever have to get on an airplane and I get handed an extender for the seat belt. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little with that one, but I know if I don't do something soon it will only be a matter of time before that becomes a reality.
So now you're asking yourselves what is she going to do now that she hasn't done and failed at before? There's no gimmicks this time. There's no AdvoCare cleansing and there's no diet. Since I'm being so brutally honest in this post today I might as well keep going. The exercising part is going to be simple to start with. I don't have a gym membership figured in to my budget so it will be just me walking and hopefully jogging every day. Food budget has also been tight so I will do what I can to get the proper amount of nutrition but it will make for cutting back my portions pretty easy! (Sorry, that was really depressing.) But let's be real here, produce at the grocery store is expensive. It's too easy to walk out of the store with only 5 or 6 items in your basket totaling to almost $100 or more. It's tough eating healthy when stores make food items so expensive!
So anyway, there it is. My short-term goal is to just lose the first 10lbs. I'm using My Fitness Pal to help me keep track of my exercising and food. I've always really like that app. I've recently discovered that there is a huge network of users that are really supportive so it will be fun connecting with other people who are going through a similar journey as myself.
Until next time...
I know what everyone is thinking...not that anyone reads these blogs...but if they did, they're thinking, "Great, another blog post of her saying 'This time is different. This time I really am going to lose the weight.' "
Well dang-it, yes it is another one of those posts! And I'm going to keep creating these posts until the weight actually DOES come off. Because this blog is all I have to keep me accountable without pissing me off by someone yelling at me to do it. I can write my thoughts and ideas down and hit publish and that's that. If you know me at all you know I have never responded well to other people telling me I need to do something. For some reason my mind goes in the opposite direction and I will absolutely not do it until I feel good and ready to do it because it wasn't your idea it was mine. Yes, that's the spoiled brat in me. But hey, at least I'm big enough to admit it. And as I said before, I'm almost 30. So the likelihood of me ever changing is becoming slimmer and slimmer and is probably only going to get worse the older I get. Yes, I will be THAT old woman.
Here's the thing...I'm tired of not being able to do the simple things in life. For example, sitting on the floor. This involves all kinds of sitting, like sitting criss-cross apple sauce. Yes I know, I'm not 5 and what normal adult wants to sit like that anyway. But I do. I want to be able to sit in a chair and cross my legs. Instead, I sit in the chair with my legs apart because that's the only option I have. Like I said...the simple things. To my horror I found out this past December that my butt no longer fits as easily in stadium chairs as it used to. I went to a Thunder basketball game and sat there the entire time with the arm rests digging in to my hips and wishing that either the game would be over or someone would just put me out of my misery. I'm dreading the day I ever have to get on an airplane and I get handed an extender for the seat belt. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little with that one, but I know if I don't do something soon it will only be a matter of time before that becomes a reality.
So now you're asking yourselves what is she going to do now that she hasn't done and failed at before? There's no gimmicks this time. There's no AdvoCare cleansing and there's no diet. Since I'm being so brutally honest in this post today I might as well keep going. The exercising part is going to be simple to start with. I don't have a gym membership figured in to my budget so it will be just me walking and hopefully jogging every day. Food budget has also been tight so I will do what I can to get the proper amount of nutrition but it will make for cutting back my portions pretty easy! (Sorry, that was really depressing.) But let's be real here, produce at the grocery store is expensive. It's too easy to walk out of the store with only 5 or 6 items in your basket totaling to almost $100 or more. It's tough eating healthy when stores make food items so expensive!
So anyway, there it is. My short-term goal is to just lose the first 10lbs. I'm using My Fitness Pal to help me keep track of my exercising and food. I've always really like that app. I've recently discovered that there is a huge network of users that are really supportive so it will be fun connecting with other people who are going through a similar journey as myself.
Until next time...
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
The Lake Trip
I just got back from a week long trip to Lake of the Ozarks with my dad's side of the family. We rented a lake house that was located right on the lake in its own little cove. We had the cove to ourselves with our own dock. It was so nice! We spent most of our time swimming in the cove and riding on the boat around to different areas of the lake and swimming. The first day out I learned two things very quickly: The first is that apparently sunblock, no matter how high the SPF, does not work on me...
No, that's not Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer...that's me...the day before I have to go back work. SWEET! Parker said I look like a nake (snake) shedding my skin. And I can only hang my head in shame and pain and agree.
The second thing I learned is that after a morning and afternoon of swimming/trying not to drown floating in the lake and drinking rather heavily then having to walk up these stairs to get to the house....
....I might have had my first experience of what it feels like when you are about to die. Honestly I think my body hated me. None of those of course deterred me from getting right back out there every day after that. In all honesty, it was a blast. I spent a week with family that all get a long and have a great time with each other. Time spent laughing A LOT and just enjoying each other. Time that we know is rare because we live in different states but makes it that much more special.
Foot in the pants while sleeping...weird.
A little update on the exercise situation. Well there is no situation. I am horrible about keeping up a routine when MY routine gets altered a little. I had been getting up in the mornings and working out before work and LOVED it. I got it out of the way and didn't have to dread it when getting off work. We could have normal dinner time and more time spent with P Diddy. Well then Wendell started working over time at work and going in waaaaaaaay early in the mornings...like me having to get up at 4:00 am to get in a work out by 5:00, early. Not happening. Also not happening is me working out after work. Ugh. I have a gym membership and should be using it anyway, so I'm going to start going to the gym straight after work. I've been excited about throwing in some weights along with my cardio so that's giving me some new motivation. Hopefully next blog I can give some good updates about that.
Until next time!!!!
Sunday, June 23, 2013
What it means...
Some may be wondering why the change of blog titles...going from Second Chance Journey to Learning to Live...kind of mean the same thing right? Well, I don't know. While it's true that I feel like I'm giving myself a second chance to do things right in my life, I also feel that I'm truly learning how to really live the life that I was MEANT to live. It's all about change. With change, comes adaptation of that change. For some people, that change is learning to live with cancer or learning to live with fighting cancer. For others it could be learning to live with being parents for the first time, or getting a new job, or moving to a new town. No matter what it is, it's your life. Most of the time we have no control over the things that shape our lives but what we do have control over is how we deal with those things and learn to live with them. Let me explain...
A good friend of mine and her husband were surprised to learn that they were expecting twins. They made all of the necessary preparations: going to doctor appointments, decorating and buying everything babies require, and even going on bed rest when the doctor ordered her to. They did everything right. They gave birth early to these twin babies because of health complications the mom was experiencing. They're little boy was small but healthy. Their little girl is unfortunately still fighting to be in this world. Their lives now consist of and may very well continue to be lived in and out of hospitals with their baby girl going in and out of surgeries for different reasons to help her live. It's their life now.
My family and I participate in the Relay for Life event every year in our town. One of the things they do during the night is have a ceremony where each team captain gets up and reads off the names of people that have either died from cancer or who have or have had cancer. So a 'in memory of, in honor of' ceremony. This year it was my responsibility to read those names off. I get towards the bottom of the list and I begin to read, "Ralph Helmer, Mildred Helmer, Ron Helmer, Jim Helmer, Mary Helmer, and Cory Helmer." There was something about seeing that on paper and reading those names one after the other that really stopped me dead in my tracks. My point here isn't to be sad or to make people sad by reading this. My point is that EVERYONE gets handed a certain deck of cards in their life. Like the six people in my family, it was cancer. Fortunately, I believe I have six...now five very strong individuals who, yes, learned to live with the diagnosis but very bravely chose not to let it define them. Yes, they live with the scars and treatments and annual check-ups. But they also are living and loving and they appreciate the life that they have. My Grandad, Ralph, lived a very long time and lived a great life and got to see great things. He also knew when it was time to stop fighting. He left us I think knowing that we all had each other and that we were going to be okay. In his own way, even after death, he's made sure we were okay.
God has never given me anything that I couldn't handle. After all of the crap that I have been through and have even put myself through, I'm a better person because of it. Something just clicked four weeks ago that change was needed in my life. I know four weeks doesn't sound like a very long time, but I can honestly say that I'm seeing things clearer than I have ever before. Being healthy physically and mentally was a goal I set for myself four weeks ago and to see that goal becoming a reality...it's like breathing fresh air for the first time. I've never been open about my faith. In fact, there have been times when I've denied it. But I've opened myself up to it again. I needed something unwavering to believe in. I'm "learning to live".
So in a round about way of explaining my need to change this blog title...there it is. Will I be perfect in this change, probably not. Will I question the journey and have doubts, undoubtedly yes. But that's okay.
I welcome the challenge....
A good friend of mine and her husband were surprised to learn that they were expecting twins. They made all of the necessary preparations: going to doctor appointments, decorating and buying everything babies require, and even going on bed rest when the doctor ordered her to. They did everything right. They gave birth early to these twin babies because of health complications the mom was experiencing. They're little boy was small but healthy. Their little girl is unfortunately still fighting to be in this world. Their lives now consist of and may very well continue to be lived in and out of hospitals with their baby girl going in and out of surgeries for different reasons to help her live. It's their life now.
My family and I participate in the Relay for Life event every year in our town. One of the things they do during the night is have a ceremony where each team captain gets up and reads off the names of people that have either died from cancer or who have or have had cancer. So a 'in memory of, in honor of' ceremony. This year it was my responsibility to read those names off. I get towards the bottom of the list and I begin to read, "Ralph Helmer, Mildred Helmer, Ron Helmer, Jim Helmer, Mary Helmer, and Cory Helmer." There was something about seeing that on paper and reading those names one after the other that really stopped me dead in my tracks. My point here isn't to be sad or to make people sad by reading this. My point is that EVERYONE gets handed a certain deck of cards in their life. Like the six people in my family, it was cancer. Fortunately, I believe I have six...now five very strong individuals who, yes, learned to live with the diagnosis but very bravely chose not to let it define them. Yes, they live with the scars and treatments and annual check-ups. But they also are living and loving and they appreciate the life that they have. My Grandad, Ralph, lived a very long time and lived a great life and got to see great things. He also knew when it was time to stop fighting. He left us I think knowing that we all had each other and that we were going to be okay. In his own way, even after death, he's made sure we were okay.
God has never given me anything that I couldn't handle. After all of the crap that I have been through and have even put myself through, I'm a better person because of it. Something just clicked four weeks ago that change was needed in my life. I know four weeks doesn't sound like a very long time, but I can honestly say that I'm seeing things clearer than I have ever before. Being healthy physically and mentally was a goal I set for myself four weeks ago and to see that goal becoming a reality...it's like breathing fresh air for the first time. I've never been open about my faith. In fact, there have been times when I've denied it. But I've opened myself up to it again. I needed something unwavering to believe in. I'm "learning to live".
So in a round about way of explaining my need to change this blog title...there it is. Will I be perfect in this change, probably not. Will I question the journey and have doubts, undoubtedly yes. But that's okay.
I welcome the challenge....
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